As many of you may know, or not know, I have a moderate case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or OCD, or holy crap I touched something now I need to burn my hand in order to kill any germs that may be on there.
Thankfully this is moderate and I am on medication for it, otherwise I would be unable to leave my apartment to face the very large and very dirty city I find myself in. This condition presents itself in many fascinating forms, one being on the amount of time I think about where I am going to go to the bathroom when I’m out.
Having my own bathroom is one of the many, many reasons why I will never have a room mate. I know what’s been done in there and that the only germs around are mine.
Still, using public facilities is inevitable if you don’t want to live life as a hermit, which has led me to a system to minimize the holy fuckness of the situation.
The basic rule is that its important to find the toilet that gets the least use possible. Duh right? But how do you know? Well you cant, really, but you can make an educated guess on the following factors.
How public are we talking here? If its a “customer use only” bathroom that rules out random people from the street who aren’t willing to spend a dollar on a drink they didn’t want just so they can use the bathroom. Bonus points if the bathroom requires an employee to open it. Another good place is away from the main flow of traffic. The science building where I went to school had bathrooms on every floor, but only the first two floors were really used by the general student population. The upper floors were more for the actual science students, which meant the bathrooms saw less use, and were therefore cleaner.
Stalls are better. Think about it, you have one toilet in there, that means that every person who uses that bathroom uses one toilet. With stalls you have some leeway and the more stalls, the better.
Never pick the handicapped stall. Obviously unless you are handicapped or there is no other stall possible (and no one who is handicapped around). For some reason, perfectly able bodied people opt for the handicapped stall. At my school, a new student center was built, which nice large bathrooms, sporting something like 20 stalls each and a handicapped section that was its only sub room in the back. Amazingly I noticed that people would walk right past several unused stalls to use the handicapped bathroom. Even at work, people opt to use the separate handicapped bathroom (which is one toilet and unisex) rather than turning the corner and using the regular bathrooms. I don’t fully understand this, as I never feel comfortable using the handicapped stall, one because I know everyone does, but also, I’m not handicapped, the extra space in here is for someone who really needs it.
Use the stall furthest from the door. Most people will select the first open stall they pass, just as most people try to find a parking space closest to the store. Especially in a large bathroom, this means that a lot of toilets will go unused most of the time, unless its a handicapped. No I don’t get that either.
Finally, once you have selected a toilet, sit on it. Now that may seem like a contradiction, after all if I’m not touching the seat, that’s better right? Well no, cause as a female I’m not designed to do that and as a not asshole, I’m not inclined to leave the inevitable mess behind, and in cleaning up I’m probably more likely to pick up something than just sitting on the toilet, since I don’t eat with my bum. I eat with my hands, and toilet paper isn’t exactly a guard against germs, nor is it going to be an effective cleaner for any real mess. For the same reason, I won’t use those toilet seat covers, because all they can really do is add to the waste.
Porta potties are right out.
And that is my guide to finding a bathroom when you’re worried about contracting zombiism from the toilets.